Coping during difficult time

With all the scrutiny on the Veteran’s Administration, the topic of veterans committing suicide has been brought more into the public eye. The statistics are showing that approximately 22 veterans commit suicide every day, and that number is just the ones that succeed, not including all the ones that attempt suicide but live. If you do the math, that’s over 8,000 every year. Just one is a tragedy, but over 8,000 a year tells me that there’s a gap somewhere that needs to be filled to help these men and women deal with what they experienced during deployments. I believe that part of the problems lies with the stigma attached to PTSD largely to blame on the media jumping to conclusions when there’s a veteran related crime and by veterans without PTSD claiming it to make an excuse for why they did something wrong. Because of this, many who are struggling fail to speak up, and they try to deal with things on their own or bottle it up inside until they can’t hold it in any longer. Many fear what the PTSD label will do to their career, both in the military and in post-military careers, and others are concerned that being labeled will cause the government to come in and take away their guns because they now are considered to have a “mental problem”. Being a military spouse, I know a lot of people that have been deployed, and many of them own guns. And wouldn’t you know, not a single one of these gun-owning veterans that I know has ever gone on a shooting spree. They use them for hunting and target practice. Some have them for home defense, but honestly, I don’t know of any who have actually had to use them to defend their homes. They are just your ordinary legal, responsible gun owners…that happen to have a bit more training in using guns than your average citizen. Yes, some of them may have PTSD or experience some of the symptoms related to PTSD, but that doesn’t mean that they are ticking time bombs. They are normal people who have experienced abnormal things and sometimes need a little extra help working through what they’ve experienced. And do you know what else they need? They need our prayers rather than our judgment. Many have inner wounds that only God can heal. They hide their pain because our country and media is so quick to judge and jump to conclusions about a veteran while it defends and makes excuses for criminals.

I just read an article about the effects deployments and loss due to deployments have on families. (http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2014/03/us/uncounted-suicides/) It told the stories of a military spouse, parents and siblings soldiers killed in action, and the child of a military parent. For every one of those 22 suicides that happen every day, they leave someone behind. Parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, battle buddies, and extended family. And for every one of those 22 that are lost, there are many more that are alive that are struggling and their families are struggling along with them. For some, it’s PTSD, for others it may be a traumatic brain injury (TBI) or other physical issues, and other it just may be the stress (non-traumatic) of military life. Here at Walter Reed, many of the wounded are dealing with issues on multiple fronts. I would guess that the majority of combat-related amputations are due to an explosion of some sort. Close proximity to an explosion hits the body with a concussive force. Many times this will result in a TBI from the explosion itself or from the force causing the person’s head to get knocked against something like a wall or the ground. Symptoms of a TBI are often difficult to fix. A lot of the care is just trial and error and treating the symptoms because unlike most of Justin’s injuries, you can’t just see a problem and do surgery to fix it. The human brain is so complex and can affect the entire body. Throw PTSD in the mix for some of them, and you’ve got a rough road to recovery. This road is often stressful, and all the trial and error without seeing a lot of results can be frustrating.

Military life takes a toll on the service member (though most that I know would still have joined knowing what they know now), but it also take a toll on the family. Yes, most of us knew what we were getting into when we got married, but knowing doesn’t make it less stressful. I knew that having a kid wouldn’t be a walk in the park, but that doesn’t make it any easier when I’m tired and my son is misbehaving…yet, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my son. And knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing regarding marrying Justin. That being said, knowledge doesn’t make things easier. Deployments, trainings, 24 hour duties, moving every couple years, reintegration adjustments, and many other things can be quite stressful. Often I put on my brave face for the world, and even for my family, but inside I feel a bit lost. I spend so much time and energy taking care of my son and husband (even more so over the past year) that by the end of the day, I’m spent and haven’t take much time to take care of myself. I feel lucky if I get to take a shower with no interruptions. In the article, the author quotes a therapist one Army wife (not me though we share the same first name) was seeing to work through some personal issues: “He made an analogy to the safety instructions given before an airline flight: ‘You put your mask on yourself before you put it on your kids. Elizabeth had been putting the oxygen on her kids and husband for years, and never on herself.’” I know that feeling as do many military spouses (especially, but not limited to caregivers). I’m not the type to ask for help unless I really, really, really need it. Typically I’m the one offering to help other people because I feel bad asking for help when I see other people who have a greater need than I do. I may be struggling with something, but if I see a friend in need, I put on my brave face and do what I can to help them. Helping others takes my mind off my own problems, but there comes a time when I need to sort them out and work through them. I’m thankful that even when I feel alone, I’m never truly alone. God has never left my side, and He’s given me a great family that have always been there for me even if it’s long distance. When we first moved to Germany, we had been married less than 6 months, I was pregnant, and I didn’t know anyone. I felt very alone, and then Justin got sent to a month long training. I went through a lot of personal struggles, and I often begged God to send me a friend so that I wouldn’t feel so alone. Looking back, I can see how God used my struggles to make me into the kind of friend that the friends he brought into my life would need. Military life may be hard on friendships because of having to move, but the friendships you form are very special and unique because of the things you go through together.

I can’t speak for the parents or siblings of service members, but I know what it’s like to be a military spouse, and I know how it affects our son. I’m not suicidal, and I’m not on the verge of a breakdown, but it takes a toll. Sometimes I feel like I’ve given so much that I have nothing left to give…and then I’m asked to give some more. I ask for your prayers – not just for me, but for all of our military and their families, especially those deployed and those who have returned home from a deployment (or multiple deployments) and are struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally with their deployment(s). If you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, don’t give up – look up. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” God will always be with you. Even if you feel like everyone else has abandoned you, turn to God. I Peter 5:7 says, “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” The God who created the universe cares for you. He loves you. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” No matter how dark life may seem, we can trust that God has a plan and will brought us through the dark times. Don’t try to bottle up your emotions until you get to the point where you’re about to explode. Sometimes talking to someone can really help. Whether it’s a pastor or chaplain or a counselor, reach out. There are phone numbers you can call that are more anonymous than a face-to-face conversation. For me, I talk to my husband (though if I’m complaining about my feet hurting, he isn’t too sympathetic), my mom, a few of my closest friends, and most importantly, I talk to God. Sometimes I write to sort out my thoughts. Whatever you do, whoever you talk to, please don’t let yourself become overwhelmed. If you need help, seek help. Don’t just be alive – live and enjoy living. Psalm 30:5b says, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Life may be hard right now, but don’t give up. Joy will come if you let it. Happiness is an emotion that is based on circumstances, but joy is a choice and it comes from God. You can choose to be joyful even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Find that joy, hold onto it, and never let it go. Don’t let the hard times rob you of that joy.