Can Do

Today I drove Justin and his friend Robert out to the track so that they could both do a one mile ruck march. The two of them were in the same company prior to the deployment. The got moved to different companies to deploy, were both injured by 107 mm rockets, and both ended up at Walter Reed within a month of each other. Justin lost both legs below the knee, and Robert got a traumatic brain injury. Both men have come a long way on their roads to recovery over the past year. Justin has done several ruck marches over the past month and every time, his time gets better and better.

Their unit’s motto is “Can Do”. Not to sound cheesy, but it is fitting that Justin is with that unit because he definitely has had a “can do” attitude, especially over the past year. He’s been through so much and has faced so many challenges since he was injured, but I can’t remember a single time where he said that he couldn’t do something. Occasionally, it’ll be a “can’t yet”, but that “yet” means that he’s not ruling it out in the future. Some things, like running, will just take time and effort for him to be able to work up to being able to do. Giving up isn’t in his vocabulary, and it hasn’t been for as long as I’ve known him.

The “Can Do” phrase can be found as part of Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I doubt a Scripture verse was the motivation in choosing this motto, but the underlying principle is the same to a point. The motto is just that you can do, but the Bible says that you can do through Christ. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and I cry out to God that I can’t do it on my own. The great thing is that even when I can’t, He can, and I can through Him. Sometimes God physically or mentally strengthens me, and other times he brings someone into the picture to help me in situations depending on what my need is at the time. I don’t have to go through trials on my own. Isaiah 40:29-31 says, “He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” There are times when I feel weak, and I lean more heavily on God’s strength because my own has failed. The past year has been a rough road, but it hasn’t been hopeless. God has given Justin the physical, mental, and emotional strength to adjust to life with no legs. I haven’t had to deal with as much physical, but it’s definitely been a mental and emotional struggle for me, but God has been faithful and has kept me going when I was falling apart. Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Jesus saved me when I was a young child living in Florida, He was with me when I was scared and feeling alone in Germany, He comforted me in Georgia when I heard Justin tell me that he had been injured, and He hasn’t left me while we’ve been in Maryland. He has been with Justin in Iraq and Afghanistan, and many other places where he’s lived and trained. I’m so thankful he was with Justin on the mountain on June 9^th, and that He guided the hands of the medics, doctors, and nurses who kept Justin alive and helped him get to where he is today. I don’t know what direction life will take us when we leave Walter Reed (or when that will be), but God knows and He will be with us wherever and whenever that happens. He will give us strength so that we can do whatever comes next.

Saying Good-bye

Right now I’m sitting in a house full of boxes, and it’s feeling bittersweet. I’m excited to move into our house in Florida (though I’ll be more excited when we’re done at Walter Reed and can actually live there full time), but I’m sad to leave the life we built here in Georgia. We made some good memories in this house, in this town. I had to say good-bye to some dear people at our church not knowing when I would see them again now that we won’t have a house here. I played in the orchestra one last time before the move. Tonight will be the last night I sleep in my bed in this house. If I sleep here any more nights, it will be on an air mattress. Even though we haven’t really lived here over the past year, I felt like this chapter of our lives was still open because we still had roots here. It took me about 10 months to change over our Tricare to the north region partially because doing so would be giving up part of our ties to Ft. Stewart…at least that’s how it felt in my mind. As a military family, moving is something that happens often, and we learn to adjust. The orders come down and we learn what we can about the new duty station. We hold garage sales to trim down the household goods weight limit. The military movers come and pack up all of our belongings and send them on their way to the new station. For overseas moves, we clean the car and make sure everything is working properly before bringing it to the shipping place. We say our tearful good-byes to the people who have become like family to us, then we brace ourselves for being the new family in town. At least that’s what normally happens to some extent. With a situation like ours, everything is different.

Life was going along as normal…well, as normal as being on this side of a deployment can be anyway. My pantry and fridge were stocked with food. Corey was playing his first season of t-ball. Corey and I had just finished out the Awana year and were looking forward to doing some fun summer things. I had plans to hit the beach and spend time with family down in Florida. Then Justin called and told me he was injured. Suddenly and without any advance notice, spending time at the beach turned into spending time in a hospital. I had no chance to clean out my fridge and to give away food that might expire, and honestly, I didn’t realize that I should. I thought I would just be gone a short time while they stabilized Justin and then we would all come home and he would do rehab at Ft. Stewart. Nobody ever discussed in pre-deployment meetings what happens for serious injury. I was clueless. As Justin’s Granny and I were packing up boxes and throwing things away, it was depressing to see how much food had gone to waste (especially depressing was having to throw away chocolate) during my absence over the past year. Due to circumstances, we haven’t had a chance to do anything with our stuff until now, so we’ve been renting a house and paying utilities for a house that sat unoccupied. I managed a house long-distance because we didn’t like the other options. I’m thankful that our landlord/realtor were willing to work with us.

Nothing about our move to Maryland was normal, and really, very little about our life now could be considered “normal”. We live in an apartment building located on a hospital complex where someone in every apartment has something wrong with them. I’ve seen more people with missing limbs over the past year than I had seen in the rest of my life combined. I’ve seen men and women in horrible pain who struggle to regain the ability to do even the simplest of tasks. I had to explain to my (then) 3 year old son that I was crying because his daddy was hurt very bad. I could go on and on about the painful and difficult parts of what I’ve seen and experienced, but that would only tell a small part of the story.

I’ve seen miracles. My husband is one of them. I’ve heard the story from his medic on what happened on that mountain in Afghanistan on June 9^th. Justin barely made it. The fact that he’s alive is a miracle. I’ve seen hope. When Justin was still inpatient, they took us down to the area with the amputees do their physical and occupational therapy. I looked around and saw them walking on new legs and knew that one day, Justin would be one of them. That gave me hope that even though we were in a dark place, there was a light ahead. I see guys in much worse shape than Justin well enough to leave Walter Reed, and I see hope that we’ll leave one day. I see people who give of themselves to try to make our lives easier at Walter Reed…organizations that truly help our injured men and women. I’ve seen communities of strangers welcome us with open arms. Some of these people have become like our extended family and have given us a priceless gift of a place to go to get away from the craziness of Walter Reed. I’ve seen our own community pull together in support of our family and through the idea that started with helping us, it has expanded and will be helping others as well. I’ve seen various members of my family and Justin’s family step up and help us when we needed it the most. I’ve been encouraged by friends and strangers in more ways than I could possibly list. I’ve seen which friends truly care about me and my family, and let me tell you, I have some awesome friends and I’ve made many new ones over the past year. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, and I thank God for all the ways He worked to help us make it through the last 13 months since Justin was injured. If I could go back in time, I would tell Justin to find a different spot on the mountain to check out, but since I can’t, I’ll just have to work alongside with Justin to find our “new normal”…and that “new normal” is getting closer every day.

Military families say a lot of good-byes, but we know that the Army community is small and you never know when your paths will cross down the road. The Christian life is similar. I’ve had to say good-bye to many friends over the years not knowing if I’d ever see them again here on earth. I’ve had to say good-bye to family members and friends who have passed away, but it isn’t really a good-bye. It’s more of a “see you later”. To my dear friends who life has set us on different paths, I hope our paths cross someday, and if they don’t, I look forward to a reunion in Heaven. And to my friends who don’t know if they’re going to Heaven, I would love to show you in the Bible about how to get there.

Coping during difficult time

With all the scrutiny on the Veteran’s Administration, the topic of veterans committing suicide has been brought more into the public eye. The statistics are showing that approximately 22 veterans commit suicide every day, and that number is just the ones that succeed, not including all the ones that attempt suicide but live. If you do the math, that’s over 8,000 every year. Just one is a tragedy, but over 8,000 a year tells me that there’s a gap somewhere that needs to be filled to help these men and women deal with what they experienced during deployments. I believe that part of the problems lies with the stigma attached to PTSD largely to blame on the media jumping to conclusions when there’s a veteran related crime and by veterans without PTSD claiming it to make an excuse for why they did something wrong. Because of this, many who are struggling fail to speak up, and they try to deal with things on their own or bottle it up inside until they can’t hold it in any longer. Many fear what the PTSD label will do to their career, both in the military and in post-military careers, and others are concerned that being labeled will cause the government to come in and take away their guns because they now are considered to have a “mental problem”. Being a military spouse, I know a lot of people that have been deployed, and many of them own guns. And wouldn’t you know, not a single one of these gun-owning veterans that I know has ever gone on a shooting spree. They use them for hunting and target practice. Some have them for home defense, but honestly, I don’t know of any who have actually had to use them to defend their homes. They are just your ordinary legal, responsible gun owners…that happen to have a bit more training in using guns than your average citizen. Yes, some of them may have PTSD or experience some of the symptoms related to PTSD, but that doesn’t mean that they are ticking time bombs. They are normal people who have experienced abnormal things and sometimes need a little extra help working through what they’ve experienced. And do you know what else they need? They need our prayers rather than our judgment. Many have inner wounds that only God can heal. They hide their pain because our country and media is so quick to judge and jump to conclusions about a veteran while it defends and makes excuses for criminals.

I just read an article about the effects deployments and loss due to deployments have on families. (http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2014/03/us/uncounted-suicides/) It told the stories of a military spouse, parents and siblings soldiers killed in action, and the child of a military parent. For every one of those 22 suicides that happen every day, they leave someone behind. Parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, battle buddies, and extended family. And for every one of those 22 that are lost, there are many more that are alive that are struggling and their families are struggling along with them. For some, it’s PTSD, for others it may be a traumatic brain injury (TBI) or other physical issues, and other it just may be the stress (non-traumatic) of military life. Here at Walter Reed, many of the wounded are dealing with issues on multiple fronts. I would guess that the majority of combat-related amputations are due to an explosion of some sort. Close proximity to an explosion hits the body with a concussive force. Many times this will result in a TBI from the explosion itself or from the force causing the person’s head to get knocked against something like a wall or the ground. Symptoms of a TBI are often difficult to fix. A lot of the care is just trial and error and treating the symptoms because unlike most of Justin’s injuries, you can’t just see a problem and do surgery to fix it. The human brain is so complex and can affect the entire body. Throw PTSD in the mix for some of them, and you’ve got a rough road to recovery. This road is often stressful, and all the trial and error without seeing a lot of results can be frustrating.

Military life takes a toll on the service member (though most that I know would still have joined knowing what they know now), but it also take a toll on the family. Yes, most of us knew what we were getting into when we got married, but knowing doesn’t make it less stressful. I knew that having a kid wouldn’t be a walk in the park, but that doesn’t make it any easier when I’m tired and my son is misbehaving…yet, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my son. And knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing regarding marrying Justin. That being said, knowledge doesn’t make things easier. Deployments, trainings, 24 hour duties, moving every couple years, reintegration adjustments, and many other things can be quite stressful. Often I put on my brave face for the world, and even for my family, but inside I feel a bit lost. I spend so much time and energy taking care of my son and husband (even more so over the past year) that by the end of the day, I’m spent and haven’t take much time to take care of myself. I feel lucky if I get to take a shower with no interruptions. In the article, the author quotes a therapist one Army wife (not me though we share the same first name) was seeing to work through some personal issues: “He made an analogy to the safety instructions given before an airline flight: ‘You put your mask on yourself before you put it on your kids. Elizabeth had been putting the oxygen on her kids and husband for years, and never on herself.’” I know that feeling as do many military spouses (especially, but not limited to caregivers). I’m not the type to ask for help unless I really, really, really need it. Typically I’m the one offering to help other people because I feel bad asking for help when I see other people who have a greater need than I do. I may be struggling with something, but if I see a friend in need, I put on my brave face and do what I can to help them. Helping others takes my mind off my own problems, but there comes a time when I need to sort them out and work through them. I’m thankful that even when I feel alone, I’m never truly alone. God has never left my side, and He’s given me a great family that have always been there for me even if it’s long distance. When we first moved to Germany, we had been married less than 6 months, I was pregnant, and I didn’t know anyone. I felt very alone, and then Justin got sent to a month long training. I went through a lot of personal struggles, and I often begged God to send me a friend so that I wouldn’t feel so alone. Looking back, I can see how God used my struggles to make me into the kind of friend that the friends he brought into my life would need. Military life may be hard on friendships because of having to move, but the friendships you form are very special and unique because of the things you go through together.

I can’t speak for the parents or siblings of service members, but I know what it’s like to be a military spouse, and I know how it affects our son. I’m not suicidal, and I’m not on the verge of a breakdown, but it takes a toll. Sometimes I feel like I’ve given so much that I have nothing left to give…and then I’m asked to give some more. I ask for your prayers – not just for me, but for all of our military and their families, especially those deployed and those who have returned home from a deployment (or multiple deployments) and are struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally with their deployment(s). If you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, don’t give up – look up. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” God will always be with you. Even if you feel like everyone else has abandoned you, turn to God. I Peter 5:7 says, “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” The God who created the universe cares for you. He loves you. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” No matter how dark life may seem, we can trust that God has a plan and will brought us through the dark times. Don’t try to bottle up your emotions until you get to the point where you’re about to explode. Sometimes talking to someone can really help. Whether it’s a pastor or chaplain or a counselor, reach out. There are phone numbers you can call that are more anonymous than a face-to-face conversation. For me, I talk to my husband (though if I’m complaining about my feet hurting, he isn’t too sympathetic), my mom, a few of my closest friends, and most importantly, I talk to God. Sometimes I write to sort out my thoughts. Whatever you do, whoever you talk to, please don’t let yourself become overwhelmed. If you need help, seek help. Don’t just be alive – live and enjoy living. Psalm 30:5b says, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Life may be hard right now, but don’t give up. Joy will come if you let it. Happiness is an emotion that is based on circumstances, but joy is a choice and it comes from God. You can choose to be joyful even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Find that joy, hold onto it, and never let it go. Don’t let the hard times rob you of that joy.